“Wha-wha-what do you want with me?!” Laik yelled, scurrying against the wall and nearly tumbling out the glassless window beside it.
Sitting just a little ways away, rocking back and forth in a chair that had to have been as old, if not older than Laik himself, was yet another ape. It was a much older fellow than the big lug that the wolf had given a good whomping to just moments ago, though the family similarities were apparent.
“Relax, child, if he wanted you smashed into a meaty paste, he would have done so by now. You’re not in any danger…” The old ape halted momentarily and looked back over his shoulder. The younger, larger ape lay on his side, back facing the two conversing characters. “As long as you don’t upset my son, at least.” The bigger ape scratched his butt and grunted.
Laik swallowed hard, his stature relaxing somewhat. Taking his eyes off the old ape, the wolf surveyed his surroundings. A large table made up of tied-together bamboo sat at the center of the room. Chairs and other furniture made of similar materials, bound together using vines and weathered rope. The only objects not of bamboo were carved from wood, some nails, and a white gloop—had to be glue… he hoped that’s what it was, at least.
WHACK!
The end of the old gorilla’s cane cracked across the top of Laik’s head, knocking more than a few strands of fur loose in the process.
“What did you do that for?! I thought you said you weren’t going to hurt me!”
“I said that HE wasn’t going to hurt you,” gesturing to the big lug in the background. “You have been in my house for a whole five minutes and still have yet to answer any of my questions.”
“All right, fine, what did you ask me, anyway?” Laik asked, rubbing the soreness from his head away. The old ape rolled his eyes and shook his head the whole way back to his rocker.
“Who are you, and where did you come from?” Asked the cranky old ape again as he nestled back into his chair, milky eyes fixed on the wolf. “And who were those weirdos that proceeded you?”
“…And that’s when I found myself tumbling through the trees. Next thing I knew, I was fighting—“
“DK.” The old ape interrupted. “His name is Donkey Kong, he’s my son. I’m Cranky.”
“You can say that again…” Laik whispered.
WHACK!
“Respect your elders, child.” Cranky Kong declared, somehow moving with a speed that had betrayed his age and feeble stature. The bigger ape laughed at the wolf’s dismay, sounding incredibly familiar, as if he’d heard it in a dozen low-budget comedies before.
“Sorry, sorry. My name is Laik, Laik the Wolf, and I’m from Mobius… Please tell me you’ve heard of the place.”
“ ’fraid not, kiddo. DK, you?” But the younger Kong shook his head. “We’ve heard your side, now sit your tail down and listen to ours… I wasn’t asking.” Laik plopped down onto the surprisingly giving bamboo flooring. It was remarkably comfortable for what it was.
“You’re the fifth or sixth alien to have come to our kingdom in recent days. At first, we didn’t think much of it, being neighbors with the Mushroom Kingdom—“
“The Mushroom Kingdom!” Laik excitedly yelled, “Is that where this is? How far away is it—wait, ‘aliens’?”
WHACK!
“One more time, kid. Interrupt me one more time, and I’ll let my son here give you the same welcoming ceremony he gave the other visitors.” The bigger ape flexed his bicep, the red tie emblazoned with DK in big yellow letters popped up and down.
“As I was saying: Getting annoying, unfamiliar visitors wasn’t out of the ordinary out here. Far too frequently for my tastes, but I tolerate it. And when I can’t—“
“I get to smash!”
“That’s enough, DK! Go flex or something in the corner.” He cleared his throat, then took a big swig from the wooden tankard. “Nasty folk, them. All purple and pink, tentacles sprouting out of their body—“
“Tentacles?!” Laik was ready this time, deploying his speed for the first time in a good long while. He snatched the cane as it arced through the air, directly for his head. “You said they were purple-pink tentacles?” Images of this nightmare and the Not-Lanolin came flooding back. And that face…
“Hmmmm… You seem to know something about this after all.” Cranky Kong said in a contemplative tone, relaxing his arm as the wolf freed his cane from his grip.
“I know some things. Mainly, I had a nightmare recently about tentacle monsters. What happened between you and these things?”
“Oh, Dad! Dad, dad! Lemme’ tell him, this is the part I can explain really well!” The larger ape, Donkey Kong or just DK for short, cut in.
CRACK!
The old man’s cane snapped across his son’s head, the larger ape seemingly unfazed by the blow. “Bah, go ahead.”
“All right, so I was swinging through the trees a week ago when a portal like the one you fell through opened up on the forest floor! I knew something was going to emerge ‘cause portals just don’t open for no reason around here. The next thing I knew, three people walked out. All probably about your height—“ DK held his giant hand over the wolf’s head, measuring the wolf. Laik was amazed at the sheer size of the hand. His fingers alone were the width of the wolf’s torso!
“Yeah ‘bout your height. Anyway, they were small, but kinda dangerous looking, you know? So I watched them for a few minutes. They never spoke a word, but I could tell they were looking for something. Their bodies were shiny, covered in some sort of slime that sparkled when the sunlight caught it. They had two arms and legs like you, but they were largely featureless! No fingers, feet. Even lacked faces and stuff. The strangest parts—“
Laik’s eyes opened wide as the giant muscle-headed ape explained the situation further, each new detail blurring the line between what he had believed to have been a really strange nightmare and reality.
“Tentacles growing out of nearly every square inch of their bodies! They eventually spotted me, raised a hand and shot a gnarly purple fireball! I was too smart and too fast, though, ya know? I jumped them, and they fought back. I punched them both once, really hard, and they exploded! That’s to be expected when you get hit by these guns, ya know?
“I didn’t explode.” Laik declared flatly.
“Yeah, well, I just didn’t hit you hard enough!”
Laik finally got his turn to explain further. About the nightmare, the hissing noises and then the purple-pink portal that opened and had sucked him in, transporting him to this world… for the second time.
Cranky scratched his chin and nodded. “So that’s how you’re familiar with the Mushroom Kingdom, then, eh? You supposing that the Phantom Ruby is connected to all this, somehow?”
“Yeah, that purple-pink light was a dead giveaway— Wait, how do YOU know about the Phantom Ruby?!”
“DK?” At his voice, the younger but infinitely larger ape bounded toward Laik, scooped him up, tossing him onto his back before crashing through the front door and into the thicket of trees outside.
“What-the-what?! Hey, what’s going on? I didn’t get—“ But his voice was cut off by the air that pelted his face as the giant ape swung through the trees with ease, jumping off of palms, swinging from vines, and quickly ascending and descending with all the grace of Sonic the Hedgehog catching loop-de-loops.
Cranky suddenly appeared beside them, riding atop an aircraft of some sort that kept pace with DK. Thick black smoke and flames spewed out of the back as the engine inside the barrel-shaped body of the craft roared.
“An answer?” The old ape yelled, “That’s where we’re going, there’s something you need to see before you get sent back home.”
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